Thursday, July 12, 2012

She Lives Her Life in the Graveyard

written on: 2nd April 2006

       Walking the street one day I came upon a graveyard, and as I was passing by, I heard it call my name.  It beckoned to me with its little blue flames.  But I couldn't stay.  Because when I entered through the gate I laid under a tree in the shade, and it was reminiscent of the grave in which I laid too many times.  That darkest winter, alone and blind- still living through that borrowed time of days and nights just marching by.  And when spring finally did come, was it years or months until it stopped and I was born again?  And as I contemplated, the wind picked up and shook the trees and sprinkled me with autumn leaves.  So I knew it was about that time again.  Why do I remember it? And why do I linger so long now?
       So I got up to leave, I got out of that sleep that was pulling at me.  That old sense of familiarity.  That haunting, calming, alluring dream.  I tried to leave but the full moon above the trees was beaming down on me, rainbows cascading over me.  Hypnotized, it stopped me dead.  And as I stared into its encompassing beauty, the wind passed over me, surrounding me, it was holding me.  And as shadows passed by they whispered to me.  They said, don’t leave, there is someone we’ve been waiting for you to meet.
       Picking my way through the graves, the whispers drove me to this certain place.  A grove of pine trees with an opening where the moon was beaming down with it’s full intensity.  And as soon as my eyes spotted it, my mind was tripping over memories, and I slipped into a different dream.  The stars were moving rapidly until their images where no longer one clear spot, but a solid stream, white lines painted on a canvas of black ink.  I fell, but was that in the dream or in reality? 
       I awoke to a familiar smell- a match.  And then I saw the smoke of a cigarette- curling, dancing- then disappearing into the blackness.  Slowly you brought it to your lips and that single puff was like a kiss.  From where do I remember this?  Then I realized I was on my knees, as in prayer, still in the clearing and you were there, looking at me indifferently.  Lingering purposefully in the shadows so I could barely see your face.  But I knew instantly that I was safe.  I recognized you from those images in my head as I lay in the grave.  But as I walked toward you, you turned away as if maybe you’d forgotten what had already taken place.  In frustration I screamed to the trees, I demanded the moon tell me what was happening. 
       But I wasn’t the only one waiting to see.  Soon others were there, surrounding me.  Everyone was questioning, but their identities were unclear to me.  Soon I felt as though we all were in a sea.  Riding waves of uncertainty, drifting endlessly, just waiting to be saved.  The faces bobbed in and out of my vision, but no one seemed to realize the division between what was a dream and what was really happening. And no one seemed to notice me.  They were all lost in a hell of their own questioning.  For what were we waiting?
       I slipped under the water and found that I could breath easily, but all around the the others seemed to be drowning.  I saw you again as you swam beneath me.  You turned and smiled at me.  And then once again I was standing- with you next to me.  The world held its breath with the waiting.  The leaves weren't rustling.  No one was whispering.  Was it majestic or haunting? 
       I might have seen it first about the earth as if it were a distant star.  A point of light so far away.  It came upon me suddenly- the biggest flash, the brightest light I had ever seen.  And when it covered me I thought finally.  But it was instantly.  It seeped into me, filling me, engraining itself fully into every particle of my being.  I left my body and I was free.  I was released.  And when I went into it I knew everything.  It wasn't like the sea because there was no more questioning. There was no uncertainty.  The light became seamlessly part of me.  I was that thing.  I was everything.  The world was before me to see, and I was absolutely stunned by its beauty.  This connection that runs through everything.  I still felt you next to me.  Surrounding me, inside of me, all around me.  This is our journey.  You're an integral part of me.  And we're just floating through that stream, where history has no meaning because it's still happening.  
       I knew this couldn't last because I have a soul not yet complete, but these lessons are becoming easier.  I see everything with a soul much clearer.  So maybe I'm nearing a day when I can spend eternity inside this Perfect Unity where all information is available to me.  And I can access anything and live through it as if it were part of a dream.  And flow forever through this never ending stream with stopping points along the way.
       Then I awoke as if that were my dream.  But I remembered everything.  I knew it was reality.  I understood what was shown to me.  And then I turned over in bed to look at you.  Because I believe now is the beginning of our life where you can remember it too.

Peace and Love my lovelies! Stay tuned for more reviews next week!
<3 <3 <3 Jen <3 <3 <3

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